A Thief's Tale: The Road To Redemption
by Casper Magic
Summary: Kaid Gadai is craftier than most in his line of work, but when one knows as much as Kaid does, there's bound to be someone looking to clear said head. After a job with the worst timing, setting, and goal, our 'hero' realizes that he was set up all too late; charged with six counts of a crime he'd never commit. Little does he know that getting arrested is the least of his worries.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One: An Untraveled Path

"Fuck!" I shouted, the hard cobblestone of Garland Market making itself known to my spine in all the wrong ways. I didn't stay down long, however, since that would have been some kind of fucking stupid.

"Oi!" An elderly prick called from the window I'd just dived out of. "Get that little rat! Little fucker stole me wife's pendant!"

In my defense, they really should have locked the second story window if they didn't want me coming into their house, but that's not terribly important. I scrambled to my feet and made a mad dash to get myself out of the danger zone and into my usual safehouse since it was usually a forty minute trip by foot, but I cut it down to less than half that time by not giving two shits about the people I shoved out of my way whenever I needed them to move. I'd lie and say I didn't dive for wallets while I did it, but that's just ridiculous.

I kept up my light sprint until I hit my safehouse; an old, abandoned Catholic church. I found it hilarious that I'd sinned multiple times in the house of God by using bible pages as tissues and by shagging the odd tart who wasn't all there in the head. That might say something about the company I keep, but it's not like I've ever been a goody-two-shoes type anyway. As I stowed my bounties in my usual hidey hole, I took a few minutes to sit and relax since the bullshit job had gone exactly as I expected it to. None of my old crew, the Stealy Wheelies, could have ever even hoped to get as far as I did with as few permanent injuries as I managed to get away with. Sometimes being the best is hard, said with _much_ sarcasm. No one in their right fucking mind asks for a daylight stroll, but that's what my client wanted. I thought it'd be worth the hundred quid bonus, though something about it just rubbed me the wrong way.

Without much else to do, I checked my shitty little flip phone and saw that sunset probably wasn't too far away. I was supposed to take the pendant my client wanted to him at midnight, so I figured that I'd go for a walk and see what all I could see. I was pretty sure that the Grisham Boys never actually ever got more than twenty feet away from the Rubber Dutchman during my usual active hours, and old Sketchy Sammy was probably weaving another string of information into her network of contacts. I considered calling Micheal, my old watchdog, to go and grab a few drinks, but I really just wanted a few shots of rum to honor my brother and a few glasses of bourbon to make me miss him a little less.

I sighed and got my ass into gear before I could start reminiscing for too much, but when I got back into town, I decided to just head over to my usual liquor shoppe instead of heading to the pub. Rum tends to be more expensive than bourbon in Wiltshire, so I only bought a couple of double shot bottles of the stuff while I got a fifth of some cheap, effective bourbon. The taste wasn't the best, but the burn was rough and I tend to like my shit strong enough to add more hair to your chest. Donnie, the clerk, promised to take the extra bottle of rum I'd bought to Maxwell's grave since I didn't know where it was. I should've known, and I still should, but I never could bring myself to say goodbye to the only real family I remember having.

My day was some kind of fucked as I strolled around the alleys, ducking into the odd alcove or just leaning against a wall for a little bit to help me feel a little better. It's only been a couple of years since I lost my brother, but it's almost been a decade since my parents (Not Max's. We're not related by the waters of the womb) and I still can't bring myself to mourn those fools. I still kept my father's wedding band and wore it on a leather cord around my neck since my old man had some mastodonian hands, and I still have the black ribbon my egg-donor gave me before she croaked. The ribbon was more of a tool for her than an accessory, but when you're a junkie, I guess anything that does the trick does just that.

I tied my hair back with the ribbon and got out of the alleys since the Sun was lowering rapidly, which is when you tend to get rolled. I might not be the biggest fellow out there seeing as how I barely managed to get to a hundred and seventy-seven centimeters, which I think would be around five-eight or five-seven in Imperial measurements. It's not like I don't know them, it's just that the metric system is the best system, goddammit! It doesn't help that I barely weigh sixty-five kilos on a day where I've been choking down whatever I could get my hands on at one of the buffets in town.

I had to cut through a few more alleys to get to the west side of town again, and once I got to my safehouse, I cracked open my bottle of bourbon and got my buzz on for a few hours until my client was due message me on the burner that I made all of my clients go through. My flip phone might have been basic as fuck, but it got the job done, and smartphones generally aren't worth the extra money anyway unless you're using one to get slaws on Snapchat, Instagram, or whatever other piece of social media that the hoi polloi can spend their time on. Speaking of time, when the day rolled over and two a.m. passed by, I called it a night and retired to the dilapidated office that still kept some of its insulation over the years. I had a hammock in there, a few solar powered lanterns that I charged in the mornings, and more solar batteries that you could shake a stick at. With the night ready to be ended, I tossed another blanket into my hammock since it was pretty cold, and it's not like I had anywhere else to go or anything.

… I don't know what the Hell I'm doing. I guess this is where I should just add a page break or something and pick up with the bullshit yesterday held… Then again, I should probably write about who I actually am, just in case I lose my mind or some shit. To make it plain, the name's Gadai. _Kaid_ Gadai. Stirred, not shaken. Just for the record. I've always been on the slim side, despite me trying to put on some weight so I don't get fucked with nearly as often. Shit's just not meant to be, but I can try, right? Let's see… Well, if you haven't guessed by now, amnesiac Kaid, then let me write down that I'm a thief. It's my job. I file taxes on the shit I steal. No kidding.

Okay, I was kidding. I'm actually so far down on the totem pole that I'm practically invisible. If I was stone-cold or a slitter type instead of a plucker, I'd be a force to be reckoned with, but I'm not really all that into hurting people for money. Vindication? Cool. Personal affront? Go for it. Someone's paying to have Average Joe killed because he didn't pay back a debt? Nah, I'm all kinds of good on that. Gotta go fuck someone up for playing it by the book? Nope, no can do. I might be a guttersnipe, but I'm a guttersnipe with _morals._ No killing, no rolling, no thuggery. I was content with my place as a thief, and with the thousands of pounds I had saved up in my bank, I was well on my way to getting back into school so I could _stop_ being complacent with being homeless, jobless, and most days, friendless.

To be honest, I don't care where I lay my head, but I want a real job with a steady wage and I'd like to have a few buddies to hang out with that wouldn't try to pass me powder or roll me, both of which are commonplace in my little slice of Heaven. No, I preferred to keep to myself most days unless I was on the hunt for a nice girl with a nicer arse, but that's neither here nor there at this point.

Okay, that reads pretty well to me. I mean, I think it'd jumpstart my memory, if nothing else so far would have. Hopefully the normal parts of this don't remind me too much of the crazy bullshit going on when I go back over it.

I woke up the next morning and grabbed a change of clothes before heading to the shelter so I could catch a quick shower, though Doris, one of the women who stay and work at the shelter for a living to keep off the streets, tried to get me to stay again. I know that the woman has the best intentions at heart, but Doris only blew into town a two, maybe two and a half years ago. Back when my egg-donor died seven years ago, I came to the shelter first because I didn't have anywhere else to go. I almost got raped twice in one day by two different adults who knew they'd get away with it, but when your own mother burns ice and starts trying to kill you in fits of psychosis, you tend to get good at giving people the slip. It never hurt that I've always been light on my feet, and it's probably a bad thing, but paranoia has kept me alive so far. Those two things got me out of the shelter in the middle of the afternoon, and when the second creep came after me, it got me out at three in the morning. Ever since then I've refused to go back for more than necessary hygiene or a bite to eat at night.

Once I was good to get my day started, I left the shelter and hoped that a client would come by and have a word since I was wearing a green shirt, which meant that I was looking for work. It's something that a lot of thieves do, wearing solid green shirts, that is. My favourite jacket wasn't green, but it was too cold to go without it, so I had to hope that the thirty quid in my wallet would last until I could get a decent mark. I mean, I had three hundred pounds and some change at the church, though I generally try to save what I get from picking pockets for emergencies.

I got lost in thought for a little while as I walked, but the impact from something or other smashing into my elbow made me hiss and jolt away. "Oi! You fucking wanker piece a' shit!" I whirled around and saw Officer Oscar, one of the sleaziest fucks around town.

Oscar gave me a grin and hit his palm with his billy-club a couple times as he chuckled like the cock he was. Fat bastard. "'Ello 'ello, Klepto Kaid. Knew I had me the right orphan when I saw that jacket a' yours."

I glared at him. "You forget to call or something?"

"Is it in the drop spot?" Oscar asked quietly.

"Yeah, it's all kosher. Pay me." I demanded.

"Ah, ah, ah! I can't pay a criminal!" Oscar guffawed like he'd cracked the best of jokes.

"Pay me or I tell Graham about that eight year-old." I said, my no-bullshit tone making m pissy client shut the fuck up.

Oscar grabbed his wallet and paid me four hundred quid. "Just takin' the piss with ya, bruv. You know how it is." He chuckled nervously, his pedophile mustache suiting him perfectly.

I gave her a bored look. "You were gonna stiff me and stick me. You know damn well that I have more dirt on the force than just about every other person in Wiltshire other than Sketchy Sam, so keep that in mind. The only reason we even do business is because it's profitable."

Oscar glowered at me. "Hands together. You're under arrest, tosser."

I gave him a dull look. "These power trips are super cute, babe."

His face flushed and is third or fourth chin started wobbling like mad. "Shut up ya dozey git! We got shit to do!"

I let him fasten the handcuffs just like he did the last time, and yet again he made them tight enough to suck. "As much as I'm loving the cuffs, can we get a fuzzy blue set later?" I asked cheekily.

Oscar clubbed my back, but what he didn't realize was that my favourite pair of boots were steel toes. One swift bicycle kick to the crotch later and I was waiting for Oscar's face to turn from bright red back to a ruddy pinkish shade. "Fuckin' little cock-swallowing cunt!" He mewled.

"Hit me again, Oscar. Fuckin' test my patience." I snarled.

He picked himself up off the ground. "That was a dirty move ya filthy animal!"

"You're twice my size, and that's an understatement you lard-blooded lout." I replied flippantly, the sum of my respect for authority on the table then and there.  
Oscar didn't say shit since I started walking without him. Fat fuck needed the exercise any way since he couldn't fit in the Rozzer Rollers anymore. Hell, the only reason that his _morbid_ obesity hadn't gotten him fired was because he had dirt on Graham. Shit was the only reason, and I made sure to remind Slop Suckler that the only things he was actually allowed to do was pick on the pluckers and taunt the cutthroats. I knew for a fact that Oscar's days were numbered since he'd fucked up and made Slick Sagiano so pissed off that he cried because he was _just that pissed_. Slick's not exactly dangerous, but his brother? Whole different story, and I was willing to bet that Oscar's family was going to go missing too. It might sound cold of me to dismiss the death of his kids and poor hamplanet wife, but it wasn't my problem. You don't fuck with someone else's business in Wiltshire unless you're their partner. That's it. You can let family handle your business, or you can let your crew do it, but you can't let an associate or an acquaintance do much. That, and I hate Oscar. Guy's a piece of shit, and like I said; his shit ain't my fuckin' problem.

We made it to the Cop-Shop without either of us getting hit again, and by the time Oscar got me sat down for ten minutes I was going to have to stay there for. There was a bald, mid-twenties looking White guy with SS tattoos, the odd swastika scrawled here and there, and a picture of a caucasian fist clutching a globe. He was the only guy present while I was there, so I decided to have a little fun.

"Oi, mate, what they get you for? "I asked conversationally.

The skinhead held up his hands, coated in dried blood. "Some darkie's mutt kept shitting in my yard, so I skinned the fuckin' mongrol in front of that N-"

"Oh no, fuckboy. You need to get the fuck over your superiority complex before you catch some BBC. Oh wait, that's what all you Neo-Nazis like, right? Thick, meaty, _black_ cock in your arse, right? I mean, with how much you little kids like to piss and measure how far you can get the stream to go, it wouldn't surprise me if you were just tired of losing the dick-measuring contest." I gave her a smile.

El Skinny nodded for a few seconds. "I'm about to break your face when I get outta here."

"Swallow a load from your bull, twink. Keep yourself well fed and your hair might grow back."

"Aight bruv, I'm killin' you."

"Catch me if you can, mutant. Your very genetics are so weak that they can be overruled by just about any different trait, you _brown-eyed_ failure. You're not even Aryan, mate! You're a bastard Nazi!" I laughed my arse off as El Skinny struggled against the chains keeping him in place, trying to get to me. After he started getting especially belligerent, a couple of rozzers collected him and stuck him in the drunk tank so they didn't have to hear him.

When my ten minutes were up and Oscar hadn't returned to collect me, an Indian fellow who smelled like curry (Surprise surprise) was seated where the skinhead had been. At least he smelled better than the odiferous Neo Nazi. That guy had his own place were he could bathe; I just assumed that Neo Nazis were incapable of functioning at full capacity since most of the ones I'd met were some special kind of spastic. I mean, you've got to be some kind of stupid to hate millions of people of the actions of a few, and you've got to be an actual retard to be racist without ever having met someone darker than a Nabisco cracker. I say that you lose the mental handicap when you come to your senses and realize that it's literally impossible for a race to all act the same, have the same tastes, or perform the same actions. However, Curry Guy made me want to be racist.

"'Ello Gov-nah!" He said in one of the thickest Indian accents I'd ever heard.

I gave him a look. "When's the last time you actually heard a Brit say that shit, mate?"

"Pip pip, cheerio!" He gave me a shit-eating grin.

I returned it. "Where's your mother, buddy? Got any sisters left in your open-street-shitting piss-pot hellhole godforsaken land of the damned? I bet they're getting raped right now and there's not a thing you can do about it because you're here with me."

Curry Guy shut his fucking mouth.

"That's what I thought, Dasa."

"... Do not call an Indian that word, my friend."

"You're the first to give me a reason to, mate. I think we ought to let there be silence." I replied calmly.

"Silence is good." Curry Guy said, sounding somewhat pissed. Not enough to bring out his magic rice and curry powder, but he was still salty.

Thirty more minutes passed as I fucked around in general, making faces at people, hitting on male cops, asking for measurements from the lady ones, and generally just making an ass of myself. I had a few cops stop by and ask me how I was doing and I gave them the same amount of respect they gave me, so it usually turned out okay. I knew a few of the younger cops from school and a few of the older ones from my childhood, so the Wiltshire Constabulary knew me pretty well. Still haven't had a charge stick, though.

While I was talking to Rooney, an older fellow that transferred in from Amesbury because his wife wanted to move closer to her parents, Oscar waddled his way over to us, and it was easy to see the contempt in Rooney's eyes when he knew Oscar wasn't looking. For as much as the Scot pretends to be a Brit, he's Fat Bastard, and I know for a fact that the nickname isn't limited to just the underground affairs in Wiltshire. RMS (Rapist Molester Shitstain) Titanic hit an invisible iceberg and stopped long enough to unchain my cuffs from the bench so he could lead me to a place that _was not_ the great outdoors.

"Oi!" I whispered fiercely. "We're going the wrong way, Oscar!"

He gave me a crooked, snaggletoothed smirk. "Didn't know ya went stone cold, Kaid. Glad to know I just brought in a serial killer."

The blood drained from my face. "Aww fuck." I breathed. "... I'm going to enjoy reading about you a week from now, Oscar. It'll be a pleasure."

Lardarse snorted. "Being nice won't keep ya from this one, Kaid. Ya done screwed the pooch _real good._ "

"You know when you put it out there that you snagged a plucker for being a slitter, you're going to get killed in front of our family, right? Savage still rules Wiltshire from Gollum, Fat Bastard. You've just stuck your foot in the grave."

Oscar scoffed hard, but he was sweating bullets, and it wasn't from the warmth of the room. "What? So you're suddenly one a' Savage's boys?"

I gave him a look. "Savage still calls to hire me because I'm one of the best pluckers in the South, mate. I might be his gofer, but I'm damn good at what I do and he values Human Capital. You already know that he has Graham in his pocket, so…" I chuckled. "You're a little fucked, mate."

Oscar backhanded me in front of three of his fellow officers. "Fuckin' oi! Oscar you fuckin' worthless sack of cholestoral! That's way _the fuck_ outta line!" Roared Deputy Constable Lucille Wright. I bit back a smile because I knew that Lady Lucille had the clout to drop Oscar then and there, but then she said, "You know what? You're fuckin' done here! Badge, belt, baton. _Now._ "

It was _so_ tasty to see Oscar's face fall, and it was made even better by the fact that D.C.  
Lucille was known for being a teetotaling, devout Christian with a sense of justice stronger than Earth's gravitational pull. She was one of the good ones, which is why Oscar said, "L-Lucille! You gotta be takin' the piss! This guy done massacred six a' the most upstandin'-"

"Like a plucker is about to turn stone-cold, you fuckin' spaz! That kid's dodged charges like they were fuckin' snails with battleaxes! I'll prove that you set this little dumbarse up one way or another if you're not dead before then." She spat. "Now get your shit and give. It. To. Me. Do you need me to repeat it again? Have all of those chips and crisps you never stop eating lodged into your tiny fuckin' brain?" Lucille growled.

Oscar was a special kind of salt ridden, living the Salt Life as he begrudgingly gave up the tools he'd been carrying for years. All over one little slip up in front of the wrong woman. Kek. When the Deputy had his shit, she passed it off to one of her subordinates. "Get those back to the Kit Cage, Williams. Cooper, escort shithead out. Kaid... " She narrowed her eyes at me. "Are you a plucker or a slitter?"

"Hypothetically speaking, if we're just talking about what I could actually deal with, then I'd have to be a plucker, Deputy. I don't have the heart to kill someone on purpose." I answered truthfully.

She nodded. "Wilin' to take a polygraph on that one?"

"Yes Sir." I responded dutifully.

"Do I look like a man to you, kid?" Lucille snarled.

"No Ma'am."

"Do I sound like a proper fuckin' lady to you?"

"... I know you won't hit me for saying something stupid, but I'm not willing to risk it." I said carefully.

She patted my cheek patronizingly and smirked at me. "Getting smarter by the day. Hopefully you'll wisen up and get on the right side of the law one day."

I couldn't help but chuckle at her. "Sir slash Ma'am, mix those together, but anyway, I'm saving up so I can go to college so I can go do something with the life I got. Hypothetically speaking, if I were a plucker, then I could imagine myself getting tired of the lifestyle before I hit eighteen."

Lucille shook her head. "You gonna tell me where your parents have been the past seven years?"

"Away." I answered.

"You realize you can trust the cop who just fired the guy who's been blackmailing you and beating you, right?" She asked irritably.

I glanced around us, and we had a few wandering eyes. "Deputy, I'm paranoid. You could always have _eavesdroppers_ ," I paused for a second, "so if you want to talk, we can head to one of the interrogation rooms." I ended quietly. "I owe you one, so you get three questions. I'll answer them honestly as long as you're not trying to honeypot me into a confession for a crime I didn't commit."

"I want two questions and a small favour." She bargained.

"Three questions."

"I can always leave you in a cell for a couple of days since you're being charged." She deadpanned.

"What was your first question again?"

She snorted in amusement and had me lead the way to one of the luxurious suites with cement walls, rigid chairs, and frigid a frigid table. I took the seat furthest from the door because I was pretty sure that I was supposed to. "Oi, do I need to chain you down for this?" She asked once I was seated.

"Nah, you'd kick my arse to Glasgow if I tried some shite. It's not worth the broken bones." I said, adequately conveying my feelings.

"Cheh," It's the noise she made, I swear, "keep that in mind. First question; who the blood fuck gave birth to you?"

I frowned. "Babs Grace and Kincaid Gadai."

She nodded. "I remember Babel. We went to school together."

"She must have been a real treat." I spat bitterly.

Lucille levelled a lethal look at me for a moment before heading out of the room. She came back in seconds later, slamming the door behind her. "Your mother was the one who took my first time. If I could find her, I'd break the damn rules for that."

My lip curled. "At least she was the only one in line."

The Deputy sucked air in through her teeth. "I want to know where she is."

"Since we have a common enemy, I'll let that one work. My egg-donor died seven years ago. HIV turned to full blown AIDS that she got from sharing needles."

"Was it slow?" Lucille asked, her voice unreadable.

I couldn't help the little smile that formed on my face. "Second question right there, and Dep? It took her ten months to rot away. The last three weeks were fuckin' great. Gangrene, staff, a few STDs and STI's that she got from whoring herself out when I got good at bisecting cocks and ruining wombs, and the best part of the whole thing was when I gave her krokodil."

Lucille cracked a little smile herself. "What's that one?"

I felt like being nice since we were bonding. "It's a heroin substitute. I managed to get my hands on some through means I'll not disclose and told her it was heroin. The look of her face when she realized what I did? What I got _all_ of those slimy junkie cock-sucking fucks with? Lucille, I can't tell you how much I treasure that memory. It's so incredibly wrong to hate the person who gave me life, but _it was so_ good."

"This stays between us, kiddo." She said with grim satisfaction. "I can't prove anythin' anyway, but I _can_ say that it takes somethin' to get you to that point."

I nodded. "I've yet to be pushed to that point a second time."

"So you don't think you killed your mother?"

I gave Lucille the dirtiest look I had. "Babs wasn't a mother, and she was knocking on death's door anyway. She was an egg-donor and happened to be the biggest piece of shit I've ever seen to date. Hell, _Oscar_ is better than that whore."

"Right. So what happened to your father?"

"He's away." I answered.

She rolled her eyes. "So we're back to that bullshit?"

I shrugged. "You bartered for two questions and I gave you five."

"Tch. And here I thought we shared a common enemy."

"We do, it's just that our common enemy is dead and I'm about to get lynched for some shit I don't know about. What am I even being charged with right now?"

"Six counts of premeditated homicide." Lucille said bluntly.

"... _Fuck me._ " I groaned. "Why the Hell would I kill six people? Actually, why the Hell am I a suspect in the first place? I don't even live in town!"

Lucille gave me a flinty look. "We both know it's a setup, kid. You got too much monotone postage on every dirty rozzer one way or another, and I'm willing to bet that's why you've never had a charge stick."

I raised a brow. "I've never had a charge stick because I'm an innocent kinda guy."

"You're fulla shi-" The door to the interrogation room was flung open with force and in strode the Chief himself; Alexander Graham.

Lucille snapped to attention. "Sir!"

Chief Graham gave her a passing glance. "You can leave now, Deputy."

"Sir, I-"

"That was a pleasant dismissal. The next one has you checking alleys solo." He said, his tone sub-zero.

Lucille gave me one last look and gave me the up-nod, but I couldn't return it since Graham was glaring at me. "... So… I'm pretty sure I'm being framed." I said awkwardly.

"No shit, Sherlock." Graham smirked. "It's about time Oscar did something useful. Having him make you do a daylight run was priceless when it came to getting a warrant for your arrest."

I inhaled slowly and let it out slowly. "I've never fucked with Fuzz, Chief. What's this about?"

"Tying up a loose end is all." He replied ominously. "Dr. Svikari. Your presence is needed."

I gave Graham an odd look before a rail thin, rat faced man in a tacky Mod-Scene suit strolled in with a metallic looking briefcase. I got the fuck out of my chair and set into my 'Flight' stance rather than the 'Fight' one, but Graham, being over two meters tall and about eight stone heavier than me, just stood in front of the door while Rat Face opened up the briefcase, diverting his attention just long enough for me to make Flight fight. I figured I was probably about to die anyway, so I didn't see the harm in adding a manslaughter charge to the set-up. I dove across the table and tackle the skinny fucker to the floor before jamming my thumbs into his eyes with intent to maim, my opposable digits perfect for the task of removing sight from the equation. I put all the weight I could behind my attempt at getting some semblance of vengeance for myself and succeeded handily. Heh. _Handily._

Sadly. I didn't get off of the screaming mimi before I felt a needle get jammed into my neck like I was a fucking pincushion, and whatever the fuck was in the syringe burned as it went it and felt like it was roasting me from the inside out. Rat Face and I screamed together for a little until Graham threw me off of him and into the table. I took a nasty knock to the noggin, which voided my utility payments immediately, so to speak. Either way, the lights were out.

I don't know how long I was out, but I do know that my day was shit tier. It was officially worse than using Dedede in Smash Four, and it was looking like it was devolving rapidly into a fucking Magikarp worthy pile of whatever animal poo happens to be smelliest. My head was killing me, my spine felt stiffer than a fourteen year-old at the Playboy Mansion, and it hurt to look at the dank, morbid place I was inhabiting for the time being. The dim light overhead told me that there was no fucking way that I was still in the police station, and looking around the room made me want to not look at _anything._ Fear caressed my heart with its nails, leaving slight gouges in the soft flesh that made my chest hurt and my breathing quicken exponentially. I started hyperventilating when I thought of the wall of sexual objects and I knew I recognized one of those toys as a urethral probe. There was already a stockade, open and ready to receive its next victim. Panic mode was fully engaged and rational thought flew out of the window for a brief second as I considered biting my tongue off to save myself some pain and humiliation, but when I tried to open my mouth, I couldn't. I couldn't even wriggle around, and it wasn't because of the multitude of straps holding me down.

I busied myself with looking at the ceiling, counting the tiles over and over again, praying to a God that I'd long since given up hope on, but Graham still strolled through the entrance to the room. He had the metal briefcase that Rat Face had placed on the table in the interrogation room, and yes I did over explain that just so I could rhyme. Deal with it. Graham smiled at me for a long time. I don't know how long since there was no way of telling time in the room, and much to my dismay, Graham stopped standing in one place and went to go open the case on a table before lifting a syringe from its walls. The bastard had to be thirty centimeters long overall, and half of it was _all needle_. The glowing, swirling, silver and golden liquid inside of the syringe defied the laws of fluid dynamics which I'm not really familiar with to be fair, but when you've got the two liquids settling into vertical, horizontal, and diagonal lines. The fluids also crisscrossed and formed jagged, sharp looking shapes all in the span of fifteen or so seconds. That means everything I just described, not just the latter.

"Kaid, we have a problem. You see, Dr. Svrikari might be a blind fool, literally now, but he practiced his craft well. You just stole the eyes from one of the most brilliant minds on the face of the planet, but that's not where our problem lies. No: you broke one of my toys. Svrikari was one of my favourite pieces to play and now we have to hope that he can have a transplant, which means you're all mine and mine alone…" Graham chuckled darkly and approached me, but I was unable to move. "This little experiment is more important than you could ever know, and if you live through it, you'll be the first man to… Well, _if_ this works, then it just means you'll be mine for a little bit longer than you bargained for." He chuckled again and unbuckled the belt on his trousers.

Alexander Graham held the needle high and pressed the tip into my chest, slowly driving the tip of the needle deeper and deeper into me until he hit my heart, but I couldn't scream. I couldn't stop the tears, or even spit at the bastard when he started filling my heart with his weird, scientifico-magicka bullshit. It hurt more than the sedative going in, and… It… It got a lot worse. It got so much worse… I can handle it. If I keep saying it, it'll be true. I don't want to talk about what Graham did to me after he emptied the syringe. I don't want to remember, but I can still feel the ache in my orifices, still feel the ways he peeled my-

Shit. No. I don't want to write it down… It… It just never happened, okay?

I woke up in pain with my mind reeling and my mouth tasting like bile, but I was happy with where I was from the first inhalation. I was face down in moist dirt, all of my limbs were attached to me, and the pain was fading quickly as I rose, pushing myself up off of the ground so I could take stock of the memories I was repressing. They were being swallowed nicely along with all the others, and when I took a look around to see where the fuck I was, I realized that I was _hot._ That was more than a little weird because it had been _winter_ when I last checked, and we were still going strong if memory serves me correctly. However, in the subtropical forest I found myself in, there was no sign of winter or her children. There were no tell tale signs of life either, so I got to my feet, checked myself one last time, and found that I was wearing my jacket again, my favourite pair of denim trousers, my boots were back along with my dirk and throwing knives, and I was wearing a blue shirt that I'd gotten rid of years ago because it had gotten too raggedy. Somehow it was now in decent condition, which told me that I wasn't in Kansas anymore, Toto.

Being a streetrat, first and foremost, meant that I had no survival skills like, _at all_. Thus, my first course of action was to head toward the sound of rushing water because I figured that it might lead me somewhere worth going. It wasn't a long walk since the river  
(I'd thought it was a stream at the time) was nearby, so I made my way over, and the first thing that surprised me was how… Well, I don't know how to say that the water smelled like bottled water. It smelled pure and clean, like it was made to be consumed straight from the source, but I know far too well what's in the Thames since I've seen a few body dumps while on a stroll, so I just had to deal with my thirst since there was nothing I could do about it.

Then a fucking massive, giant, _enormous_ Goddamn river serpent just popped the fuck up out of the water like Leviathan and towered over me a toothy grin. I didn't lose control of my bladder, but I may or may not had pooted a little bit in surprise. It's not every day that a thirty meter long snake thing just rises out of the water you were thinking about drinking, dysentery be damned. The serpent rose from the water with a stretch of its tiny arms, which I assumed were vestigial since he was a fucking _snakey snake_.

"Ah goood mo~rning!" The twinkiest of twink voices called out to me.

I was pretty sure that it was coming from the thing in from of me. I didn't know how to respond, so I said, "Wotcher, mate. Good morning to you too."

The serpent tilted its head down and looked at me with something in its eyes that I'd just seen from Graham. Lust. "Well aren't you just a cutie! Tell me, cutie pie; what's a sweet little hairless ape like you doing running around near my river, hm?"

"Uh… Looking for a way to the closest town?" I tried anxiously, hoping that I wasn't about to get turned into an onahole.

"Oh dear! That would have to be Ponyville, which you can find by following the river, dear monkey. Tell me, what's your name?" The serpent batted it's scaly eyelids at me like it was supposed to have eyelashes.

"... Name's Max. Maximus, to be exact, but most people just call me Max." I answered, stealing my brother's name and mixing it with my favourite dead language. It just seemed like the right thing at the time since I didn't want the thing knowing my real name. The thought didn't seem like a wise idea.

"Maximus you say? What a wonderful name! Why, my own name, Stephen Magnet, seems to pale in comparison!"

"Yours sounds better to me, oddly enough. Want to trade?" I joked uneasily.

The same-sexual super serpent laughed in the most stereotypically annoying way. "If only we could! Tell me, little cutie, would you mind doing me a favour?"

"... Depends on what it is-" I hesitated to call him 'mate' again, just in case he thought I was coming onto him, so I just cut myself off.

Stephen beamed with his not really all that scary teeth. "I was just hoping that you could deliver a present to a friend of mine. Of course, I'd be willing to do you a favour in turn, like getting you to Ponyville." He wiggled his brows. "Ah? Ah? Does that sound like a good trade?"

I didn't know what the fuck or where the fuck Ponyville was supposed to be, but it sounded kind of American, though I assumed that because Magnet sounded American. "Sure. I'll do my best to hold up my end of the bargain. Never let it be said that K- _Max_ imus doesn't do his part."

Magnet gave me a dirty look. "Were you about to say something else there, little monkey?

"Do you know what 'Kid Wonder' means?" I asked, covering my tracks.

"Ah, I do! So you're a bit of a braggart, are you?" Fagnet- Magnet's skepticism was cast aside like the shell of a hardboiled reptilian egg.

"A little bit. What do you want me to deliver, Stephen Magnet?"

"One moment, please." He dove underneath the water like I wished that I could and  
came back up with a shitty golden crown. I could tell that it wasn't pure just by looking at it, and the construction was kinda sub par. The gold alone was the only thing valuable about it; not the styling. "This is a gift for my dear friend, Miss Rarity of the Carousel Boutique. If you would be so kind as to take this to her for me, then I would greatly appreciate it."

"Consider it done. It nothing else, I'll consider it payment for not eating me." I chuckled nervously.

Stephen rolled his eyes hard. "Do you even know how bad red meat is for my scales? I wouldn't eat you if you paid me to, cutie pie.

I breathed a sigh of relief and had myself a little chuckle up until I got swept off of my feet and got thrown through the air for a second or two which sound a lot like 'Shitting fuck!', but then I landed softly onto Magnet's head.

"Skittish, aren't we?" He commented cheerfully.

"Oi! That was terrifying you oversized skink!" I protested, making my voice sound more playful that scared.

I thought I did terribly, but Magnet bought it. "Ah, oh well. I'm sure you'll enjoy the ride as long as I don't drop you."

And Stephen Magnet did _not_ drop me, not even when we got to the edge of the forest after a couple of hours. We'd chatted about our lives for a little bit, but it's not like it was terribly educational. "Thanks for the lift, bruv. I really appreciate it, but can you tell me where I am? Like, I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind and I'm just gonna roll with it, but where am I?"

Stephen let me hop off of his head before answering. "Why, just outside of Ponyville in the lovely country of Equestria! You're not too far from Sadelle, Cloppings, or if you're truly lost, you can take the train from Ponyville and get to Canterlot. The junction at Canterlot can take you back home, wherever that may be."

"... I've never heard of _any_ of those shitty horse puns, bruv." I said slowly.

Magnet tilted his colossal head and made a questioning noise. "You've never even heard of them? Where are you from, new little friend?"

I took a moment to be thunderstruck. "... I'm from a planet called Earth or Terra."

"Earthorterra?"

"The names are separate, and I need a lie down for a spell." I sat down on the riverbank numbly, crossing my legs and folding my hands.

Magnet came a little closer. "Are you okay, Max?"

"... I will be. I will be." I said, the first loud enough for Magnet, the second one to console myself.

"... I'm terribly sorry to say that I don't know how to help you my friend. If you truly aren't from Equus, then I can only hope that you find your place once more."

"Thanks, bruv. I'll figure something out." I said, my resolve firming up as my generally adaptable nature slapped my arse cheeks at the same time to put some pep in my step. "I'm not about to let this shit get to me, so I gotta take it in stride, right? One foot in front of the other until I make it to where I wanna go!" I ended by laying on the ground so I could kip up.

"That's the spirit, Maximus! Onward and upward!" Magnet cheered.

"Oi, thanks for the help again, Magnet. I'll have to see if I can be friends with your Rarity so we can come back and visit sometime."

"Oh, I'm sure she'll be happy to add another friend to her circle! Really, if you do meet Rarity, you'll have to have her introduce you to her friends. They're all perfectly cute for being feminine, but the important part is that they're generally pleasant."

"Are they all tarts?"

"Does that mean fillies or mares?"

"... _Mate._ Please tell me that those girls kinda sorta look like me."

Stephen gave me an odd look. "If you'd hurry up, you'd be able to see for yourself."

"Right. Just head towards the town over there, right?" I asked, pointing at the distant, surprisingly vibrant place. It looked like it would take a fair amount of time to get there.

"Yep! Oh, and before you go, do remember to stay out of the Everfree from now on. Miss Rarity will take you to our usual meeting place, so don't feel obligated to make the hazardous trek just to see little old me."

"I'll be sure to ask about it. I'll be seeing you, bruv."

"What does that mean? Bruv, that is."

"Ah, it's shorthand for 'Brother' or 'Bro', but it's more of a British or an English thing. Mate means 'Friend', though it's usually for guys."

"Oh. What does tart mean?"

"It's usually a word for a pretty girl."

"Ah. I don't believe I've heard the term 'girl' used for a female before."

"I'm sure you haven't heard 'boy' for a male yet then." I sighed.

"Onward and upward my friend." Stephen repeated comfortingly.

I gave him a lopsided grin. "Damn straight, bruv. Keep calm and carry on like a wayward son."

"That's an inside joke, no?"

"Yeah, kinda. It's going to suck now that all of my references are meaningless." I grumbled irritably. "Bullshit new planet." I shuddered for a second before I got a grip. "Anyway, it was a pleasure to meet you, tall, dark, and friendly. If I can, I'll have to see if we can get you drunk."

"Drunk?"

I grinned at him deviously. "You'll see. It'll be a great time."

He gave me another smile. "If you say so."

With that, I was off. There weren't many trees blocking my view of the town, but it was still pretty far away, so I figured that I might as well lengthen my strides a bit as I tend to do when I want to get somewhere fast and not appear like I'm trying. I was making some pretty good headway and broke the treeline after picking up a nice walking stick that was definitely hardwood, but was surprisingly light for being random deadfall. It was a good stick, if my stick judging skills are anything to go by. I don't know a damn thing about wood other than the fact that you can make shit with it, so take my opinion with a tablespoon of salt under an ice cube.

When I got out of the actual woods instead of the pseudo-jungle that I'd previously occupied, I scoped out the town with a frown on my face. I already missed the greys and earth tones that covered Wiltshire and most of the surrounding towns just from looking at the horribly colourful place. The town looked like it had been doused in Rainbow Brite's diarrhea or like a Leprechaun made the place his permanent home ender the rainbow and sapped the colour from the natural phenomenon. Yes, rainbows are literally just light reflecting off of water and dust in the air, but the Aurora Borealis has been explained too and the shit's still cool to look at.

While I was taking in the slight hills and generally flat environment, I wondered where in the bloodiest of fucks I'd just ended up, even though Magnet had told me exactly where I was. I shook my head to clear it since I was hearing this shrill whistling noise that I assumed was cognitive dissonance, but then I turned my head to the right and just barely saw a light blue blur before it slammed into me.


	2. Chapter Two: Life in Technicolor

Chapter Two: Life In Technicolor

As one might imagine, I was a little pissed off about getting bumrushed by a blue whatever-the-fuck, but I was especially pissed since I lost my new favourite stick and got sent hurtling across open land, getting grass stains all over my Goddamn clothes and generally just getting hit in the everywhere by the bony bullshit bitch that tried to break my butt. I was a special kind of salty when we stopped sliding, but that had taken a few seconds and whoever hit me was practically riding on my chest and stomach like I was a fucking boogie board or some shit.

When we actually stopped I opened my eyes and glared up at the blue-skinned cunt that had crashed into me and ridden me in the least fun way I've ever experienced. "Whoa, dude! Are you okay?"

"Fuggin' gerrof!" I grunted.

She got off with and said, "Tch. Don't have to be a jerk about it, dude."

"You fuckin' blue ditch rat! The fuck did you tackle me for!? Seriously!?" I outraged, getting to my feet, pissed to all Hell.

"I didn't do it on purpose! You should have gotten out of the way!" The bitch barked back.

"Woman- You gotta be takin' the piss right now. You're telling me that you were running and couldn't stop? On flat ground? Like, _do your legs work?_ " I asked, being as demeaning as I could.

Her face flushed and she _spread her wings._ "I was _flying_ , dumbass."

I gaped. "Holy shit-" I glanced up at the top of her head and saw two horse-like ears. " _Holy shit!_ What the fuck _are you?_ "

"What the fuck am I? What the fuck are _you?_ I've never seen a Pony with a coat as patchy and weird-colored as yours, and where are your ears, dude?"

I tilted my head and tapped one. "In the normal place for a _Human's_ ears to be, which is _not_ the top of your head. My God, I'm either talking to a freak of nature, an alien, or some eldritch magic shit… I need a fuckin _drink._ " I groaned.

"Tch. Maybe if you were a little less douchey, I'd buy you one." The twat said flatly.

"It'd be a start on that apology. Honestly, were you just pulling out of a suicide dive or something?" I asked irritably.

Rainbow's jaw dropped. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you talking about dude? I'm chill, I'm just a little irritated about you ripping me a new one! There's-"

"Nah, nah, you got it all wrong. I wasn't calling you _suicidal_ ; I was asking if you were trying to get as close to the ground as possible without pulling up until the last possible second."

"Oh. Nah, wasn't doing that either. I was trying to ace a triple-corkscrew loop-de-loop backward-flash-dive. It would've worked out if some random thermal hadn't caught my wing and made me flub my last rotation in my last loop." She grumbled bitterly.

"Right. So are you actually going to apologize, or am I going to have to stick a fist up your arse?" I asked testily. The blue, rainbow-haired bull-dagger looking tough-girl wasn't exactly my type, so I wasn't exactly feeling the love.

"Well _sor~ry_ Mr. Whineypants. Gosh, get over yourself." She snorted.

I hocked a loogie and spit it on the weird circular shoe she was wearing. "Fucking horse-beast. Stay the fuck away from-" She threw a punch at me that was actually pretty decent as far as scrapper types go. Sadly (And thankfully, I guess), I'd dodged faster punches from far heavier thugs in my twenty years, so I avoided getting it by Rainbow by using Dark Souls tactics on her and circle strafing while never letting her get too used to me being at a certain distance. She tried turning to face me every time, but apparently the horse-people weren't exactly nimble of foot, or rather, fleethoofed. I figured that she's probably be faster than me on foot since horse stamina and flying, so I started backing my way toward town.

It was a slow process since I was practically playing matador with the rainbow-haired chick, but when I got her into town, I fucking cut the bullshit after crossing her up so bad she fell face first into a cobblestone wall, so with that, I beat feat like the heat was on and did the thing I do best; run and hide. Well, I technically break into places, but I tend to run and hide while I'm inside so… You know wat? I'm just a regular Jack of all Trades when it comes to the thiefy bits. I left the blue bitch where she was and started ducking down alleys until I came out on the other side of town, which was a picturesque place to be. The rolling hills held patches of different flowers, and I knew that I saw some tasty looking sunflowers off in a patch of its own. I love me some sunflower seeds, but what I was more worried about was getting caught and having to fight someone who was probably only like, five feet tall, give or take. It would've reflected poorly on me if I'd up and stomped her face in, so I let it go and traveled through the town solo after taking my jacket off and letting my hair down.

Once I'd gotten my man-ribbon tied around my wrist, I actually saw the blue bitch talking animatedly to some orange Pony with an American cowboy hat and blonde hair. on further down the street I took a moment to look at the fucking tail she had because I hadn't noticed it on the crash-course-cunt, and my eyes did wander a little bit. For a horse-thing, she had a bubble butt that I would have loved to get a handful of, but I didn't let my eyes linger too long and kept walking around since I didn't have much else to do. As I was strolling along, I ended up at the big, important looking building that I assumed was Town Hall or something akin to it.

I stopped a local and asked if I was allowed to go inside and the woman gave me an odd look. "Sweetheart, why wouldn't you be allowed in?"

I shrugged. "Where I'm from, you only go to the Courthouse if you're in trouble or someone you know is."

The woman gave me a questioning look. "Are you from Bridleland or Scotchland? Your accent is very distinct." _You've never heard a blooded Ginger talk, have you?_

"Neither, actually. I'm from Swindon, England." I replied truthfully, a slight hope in my heart. I might usually just say that I'm from Wiltshire, but that's because I don't like being exact with my whereabouts most times.

"Oh? I've never heard of England." She said. "It's not like I look at atlas' all day, though."

"Eh, it's probably not on any map you'll find here. It was nice meeting you Miss…?"

"I'm the local Milk Mare, Milky Way." The blue haired woman said pleasantly. I was in love with er smattering of freckles

I extended a hand and she shook it. "Name's Maximus, but most people I like call me Max." I gave her a little smirk.

Milky Way smiled and folded her arms, tempting me beyond levels a man shouldn't be able to reach. I'm not even a breast man, but the poor 'mare's' massive mammaries had me making sure that I thought of morbid moments. They had to be G-cups at _least,_ and I was sure that her back hurt. "That's a unique name. I'd love to talk to you some more, but I still have some errands to run." She smiled apologetically.

I gave her an easy smile. "It's been a pleasure, Milky Way."

She giggled and flapped a hand at me. "Oh please, Milky will do just fine."

"Milky then. I hope our paths cross again." _And I hope you make the milk._

Milky gave me a smile and we went our separate ways, though I didn't end up going inside of the Town Hall. Instead, I asked around and found out that there was a library in town, which was probably going to be my best bet for gathering info on the world I found myself placed on. With a destination in mind, I had places to go and a librarian named Twilight Sparkle to visit, so I got to stepping, but after awhile, my left hand flew to my back pocket and my right to my chest. My ring and wallet were still where they were supposed to be, and in a rare moment of weakness, I allowed myself to dip into a back alley and take the necklace off.

I stared at the white gold and rubbed the tiny diamond that it held. My little reminder to stay strong. "... Hey Pops… Know it's been a few years since I tried, but… I'm lost right now, Pops. I don't know what I'm doing here. Got no food, no cash, no place to sleep.. Startin' at rock bottom all over again-" I grit my teeth and blinked back the tears of anger and frustration as I clutched onto my mini life-ring, trying to keep my head above the flood while I waited to adapt; while I _forced_ myself to come to terms with it, just like I had when I'd lost him. "I don't know if you're still with me, or if you ever even left, but… Adiuva me, pater. I need you now more than ever." I kissed the diamond and put the necklace back on, giving myself three deep breaths to get a grip.

Talking it out had helped a little, so I kept my head on my shoulders and decided to take a detour on my route to the library. I palmed one of my cheap little throwing knives from my boot-sheathes and made my way back to Town Square since I'd seen the most people there. Plenty of marks were milling about, going between shops and stalls, but I wasn't necessarily interested in 'shopping', so I went around and plied my trade. Tax me, faggot; it's all under the table. Scoping marks had never been easier since the few people who weren't pulling coins out of their hair (Yes, I'm not shitting you. That shit seriously happened _dozens_ of times) were wearing actual coin purses that seemed fit to burst. The best thing about it? I'd checked a jewelry store earlier while I was just ambling about, looking for possible marks, and when I loitered around a little, I saw a couple with two coin purses fatter than your unfortunately hot, underage step sister's cameltoe. Why your step mum lets her wear that stuff? I dunno, but stop looking you creep.

Anyway, I pulled a second knife from my other boot since I keep two in the left one and three in the right. My dirk stayed where it was in my left boot since it's a last resort kind of deal, and as I walked straight in between the couple, they voiced some dissent and I called back, "Sorry! Wasn't watching where I was going!"

I heard the snobby looking woman grumble as her husband (I assumed) told her to let it go since it wasn't that big of a deal, but he just didn't know. I ducked into another alley to count up my scratch, but little to my surprise, I had a hard time reading the language on the coin. I'd thought it was odd that the Ponies spoke English in the first place, but even their writing seemed to be like a bastardized form of the Latin Alphabet. I wouldn't doubt that the coin either said 'For Peace and Harmony' or 'Tor Bæue amb Kænong', shit was that fucked up. The digits, however, were close enough to the Arabic ones, so that was nice, but I didn't know how much any of the coins were worth, what they were called, and I didn't have many places to hide the purses, so I stuffed one into the pocket of my jacket and left one where I'd remember to look before I got to stepping all over again.

I was feeling a little more confident since I was sure that I'd just robbed two of the richest people in the small town, so I probably had enough money to make life suck a little less. With that in mind, I went to the big tree in the middle of town, also known as he Golden Oak Library. I don't know what kind of tree it actually was, but it sure as fuck wasn't an oak. It honestly looked a weird combination of a redwood and a sugar maple, but I'm not exactly and arborist or anything. I just read a book about trees one day because I was bored and tend to have nerdy hobbies when I don't have electricity. Anyway, even if the tree wasn't an oak, I still had to take my happy arse inside so I could do me some book learnin' before the liburry closed.

I didn't think it was necessary to knock, so I opened the door and jolted a little along with the purple woman I'd almost hit. "Oh shite! Sorry about that, love." I said quickly.

She smiled and chuckled. "We're lucky I wasn't a litt- Rainbow!" Her eyes shot open and I noticed that they seemed larger and more expressive than a Human's, but she obviously wasn't wearing makeup.

I was wondering why she was cowering from me maybe two seconds after shouting about a rainbow before I got tackled from behind and landed on her, pushing her over and, _completely_ by accident, getting an eyeful of the light purple (Probably lavender. I'm not gay enough to know) panties she was wearing under her bitoned skirt. If I'd been a little less lucky (Or a little more. She was pretty damn cute), I would have gotten a faceful of her privates. Either way, I was pinned down beneath someone surprisingly heavy for being so damn small, and that surprisingly heavy person was trying to rabbit punch me like a fucking coward until someone pulled her off of me.

"Rainbow! If ya don't get a hold of yourself, I'll beat ya black and blue! Assaultin' a buckin' stranger for no reason!" A pissed off, Southern American voice barked harshly.

"That's the guy I was telling you about! Look! You can see the grass stains on his coat!" 'Rainbow' replied like a little pissant.

I wasn't happy. I was rather _un_ happy, which is why I drew two of my throwing knives and got some space between Rainbow and myself before throwing one of them at her with a vengeance. "Fuck OFF!"

" _Argh!_ " Rainbow cried, clutching her bleeding right arm. " _What the_ buck _!?_ "

I drew my dirk and roared, "Leave me the fuck alone before I slit your Goddamn throat!"

Rainbow backed up and her orange friend put her blue buddy behind her. "Whoa, did you just draw blood over some _punches!?_ " She asked incredulously.

"All that pumped up, _half-witted,_ absolute retard has fucking done since we've met is be a Goddamn cunt! _She_ crashes into _me_ then has the fucking nerve to be mad about it! I was leaving a fucking _forest with trees everywhere!_ What kind of shit-brained dumbarse flies at _ridiculous speeds_ in a place where there are dense, hard, _potentially lethal_ obstacles everywhere!? That's not even mentioning that _she followed me to town while trying to_ fight me! The cunt is fuck-ing psychotic!" I replied, making sure to get my feelings across properly.

The orange woman looked at Rainbow, then back at me, then back at Rainbow. "You know I believe him, right?"

Rainbow flushed. "Hey! That ass just threw a knife at me!" She barked like the bitch she was.

"And you been tryin' to pummel this guy all day, makin' me look around town with you." She said, her tone kind of reminiscent of a stereotypical pissed off Mum who was done dealing with bullshit. "I ain't sayin' he was right to draw steel, but you started this. Ain't no doubt about it."

"A-Applejack! Where's your loyalty!?" Rainbow cried. _Applejack? I wonder if she has some I can buy off of her._

"This ain't about loyalty. This is about you bein' bullheaded and gettin' yourself hurt by someone scarier than you, so just get outta here and go to the hospital. I'll catch up to give a _real lecture_. Trust me." Applejack ended harshly.

Technicuntler Bitch- Rainbow puffed out her chest. "You're not my Mom!"

The cowgirl gave her a ball shriveling look. "Go."

"Right." Blue Bitch squeaked, flying off faster than the laws of physics should've allowed.

I gaped for a second. "... Holy shite, d-did she just fly so fast she left a _rainbow trail!?_ "

Applejack gave me the same look Lucille had given me the last time I'd seen her, which is to say, I was about to be in deep shit. "I'm gonna ask ya once and only once: Why are you here?"

I pointed at the ground. "I'm here specifically so I can learn more about this place. I'm from a different world."

The purple woman gasped and startled me since I'd forgotten that she was there too. "Wait, are you saying that you're an extra-equuestrial!? An honest to goodness _alien!?_ "

I turned so I wouldn't have to move my entire body to look at both of them as I put my knives away. "Yeah. I'm either an extra- _terrestrial_ or an extra-dimensional. I might just be having one _Hell_ of a fever dream though, so let's not rule that one out."

Applejack clicked her tongue. "The first thing ya do on a new planet is get in a fight?"

I gave her a look. "I tried letting that little shit wear herself out by just dodging around her, but _she_ wouldn't let enough be enough. I mean, like, is she that way _all_ _the time?_ "

The orange mare gave me a certain look. It was one of mild vexation with a spoonful of irritation. "Pretty much."

The purple one sighed as I looked for the knife I threw at Rainbow, hoping that she'd been nice enough to pull it out and drop it. She wasn't. "I'm sorry about Rainbow Dash, but why did you throw something sharp at her when Applejack pulled her off of you? It was effectively over."

I turned to her. "It might be a cultural difference, but do you guys have hill-topping here?"

The purple horse-person tilted her head. "It means building a garish house on a hill to flaunt wealth, right?"

I looked at the stubby, fifteen or so centimeter long horn on her head and wondered if it was made of bone. "Nah, I've never heard of that. In the streets of my country, hill-topping is effectively shoving someone off of their pedestal with a show of force. If you're nice like me, you fuck up the person who messed with you. If you're a proper fuckhole, you lay out their family and cripple them for life."

Her jaw dropped and she started backing away slowly, so I took a step away from her and raised my hands just before Applejack grabbed my arm. "You ain't thinkin' a' goin' after Rainbow's family, are ya?"

"I'm happy to let it die here and now as long as she leaves me the fuck alone. I didn't want to deal with her abrasive arse anyway." I replied honestly, looking at her hand. "Mind taking that off of me for a moment? I know you're not trying to feel my muscles because they're barely there." She squeezed hard enough to make it hurt and I hissed through my teeth. Applejack let me go and I gave her a dirty look. "The fuck was that for?"

The cowgirl tilted her head at me, her brows furrowed. "I didn't squeeze ya that hard, Sugarcube. Wouldn't a' done much more than bruise an apple."

I rolled up my sleeve to see that yellow bruises were already forming where her fingers had been. "Yeah, those are bruises, but I'm not an apple."

Applejack gave me a confused look. "I know you're tellin' the truth, but that don't make sense."

The purple one gasped again, but before she could speak, I asked, "Oi, what's your name, love? I don't think I've had a chance to catch it yet."

She blinked. "Oh. I'm Twilight Sparkle."

I gave her a smile. "Just the gal I was looking for, then. Everyone I talked to in town said you were the one to come to for information on history and modern culture."

"That's right. Twilight's the smartest Pony in town, let alone the smartest mare between here and Gryphonia." Applejack praised.

Twilight Sparkle blushed. "The modest side of me wants to deny that, but my test scores don't lie…"

I chuckled. "There's no problem in taking pride in your talents and all that. As long as you don't start showboating or bragging without anyone asking, you'll probably be fine."

Twilight wasn't quite sold. "W-Well, why don't we do something that we could both benefit from?" She asked.

I held a hand to my chest and gasped. "Why I never! To think you would be so forward with your devious intentions!"

The librarian sputtered and choked before coughing up a lung while her 'friend' stifled giggles and tried to disguise them as coughs. "I-I-I-I was-I-I wasn't- I don't- _I've never even done that sort of stuff before!_ " The horned one protested.

Applejack gave up and lost her shit while I wore the straightest face I could conjure up. "All the more reason for you to try and seduce me."

Twilight turned cherry red and I _swear to God_ steam came out of her ears in little rings. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-Oh dear Celestia." She promptly fainted and I raced to catch her, but when I got my arms around her, I had to plant my foot on the ground, _struggling_ to hold her up.

Keep in mind that Twilight wasn't much taller than Rainbow and had a good deal less muscle mass that the other woman. "Holy fuck! Why are you people so damn heavy!?"

Applejack came over and scooped her up casually. "Sugarcube, from what I seen so far, ya might wanna stay on your average Pony's good side. It's lookin' like you're awful frail compared to us."

I rubbed the back of my head, feeling the knots on my noggin. "Yeah, you're tellin' me. I think the only chance I really got is to stick and move since you guys don't seem to do too well with maneuverability."

"I'd like ya better iffin ya didn't do it at all." Applejack said, carrying Twilight further into the Treebrary.

I scratched my head in the smallish lobby-like area before picking my jacket up off of the ground and following her lead. I'd left it on the floor after the fall since I'd only stashed one of the coin purses in a location that I'm not going to write down. After grabbing my shit, I followed Applejack and saw her trying to rouse Twilight from her 'slumber'. She tried patting her cheek, tickling her, and playing with her nose, but Twilight was dead to rights. I came over and watched Applejack try a few more things before she put on her thinking cap and brainstormed away. Meanwhile, with me being a arse for a second, gave her two wet willies at the same time and she bolted awake

"Gah! Why are my ears wet!?" Twilight cried, pawing at them.

I frowned so I wouldn't smile and Applejack gave me a dirty look. "It was Max. I don't know where he got the water from, but I'm _sure_ he won't do it again."

I cracked a shit-eating grin. "Not for the next few days, no."

Applebottom's look turned into a deadpan one. "I'll give ya a pass this one time, but you should know that touchin' a Pony's ear is like grabbin' a mare's boob."

"Wait, are you telling me I could've copped-" Applejack gave me a womanly look. Like, I'm pretty sure that look had ovaries.. ."Copped out at anytime? Thanks for the heads up."

"Is that really what you were gonna say?" Applejack deadpanned.

Twilight blushed as I said, "No, but why make trouble? I saw the look you gave me. It wasn't worth pissing you off over a joke." I scoffed.

The cowgirl nodded. "Ya might be a touch dangerous, but I get a decent feelin' from ya. Might be a bit of a deviant, but ya don't seem like a bad sort."

Twilight huffed. "That's easy for you to say! He most likely used saliva to wet his fingers!" She shivered and tried to clean her ears out some more.

I tried to keep a straight face while Applejack was glaring at me. "That's just nasty."

"Ever give a blowjob?" I asked, trying not to giggle my arse off.

Applejack coloured. "That ain't none a' your business!"

"It's considerably nastier than putting wet fingers in someone's ears. Hell, kissing is even worse!"

Twilight turned a bit green. "That does make sense in a certain way…"

Applejack glanced at her and gave me another look. "Why do ya gotta make things awkward?"

"I'm not from this country, let alone this planet, love. It's not like I'm being extra weird or anything. It's just how I react to being kidnapped from my home, being surrounded by crazy coloured horse-people, and-"

"Wait, did you just call everypony in Ponyville a whorse?" Applejack asked, giving me a fucked up look.

I gave her a questioning one. "Well, you guys seem to be either Pony-Human hybrids or Horse-Human hybrids. It doesn't really make a difference since ponies are just smaller horses."

Twilight cleared her throat. "Whorse is a slur here… Um… What's your name?"

"Maximus, but most people call me Max if they want me to like them." I replied easily.

Applejack narrowed her eyes at me. "That ain't true. That's a flat out lie."

I tilted my head at her again. "It's a pseudonym, but a lot of Humans go by nicknames or pseudonyms. Sometimes it takes us years to learn someone else's real name, and depending on when you cop a second name, you might never your real name again until you tell it to someone." _All true, bitch. A fucktonne of authors and artists have pseudonyms, and it might take you years to meet up with someone you found online._

"Ah. I guess that makes sense. So what's your real name?" The orange one asked.

"If I wanted you to know, I would've told you instead of giving you my nickname." I replied softly.

"I ain't callin' ya by a fake name." She huffed.

I steepled my fingers and narrowed my eyes at her. "What gives a name credence, Applejack? What gives it power? It's not the letters that make up the word; it's just a random noise that happens to mean something. No, it's the person who responds to the name that gives it power. I don't really care if you don't want to call me Max because you can just give me another name to add to my collection. I like personalized nicknames, and I'm alive because of pseudonyms, so if you don't want to call me by the one I'm giving you, then you're welcome to come up with your own."

"So what? If I suddenly ask a to start callin' me... Sour Apple or somethin', you'd do it?"

"If that's what you want to be called, then yes. It's not that weird, AJ, you're just overthinking it."

Twilight hummed. "A lot of Equestrian authors don't use their real names when they write, so it's kind of like your planet is full of ponies that feel the same way in their day-to-day lives. Are there any occasions when you have to use your real name?"

"Yeah. Traveling to other countries, legal documentation, birth certificates; stuff like that." I replied, putting a foot into the grave, activating what I would later learn was 'Lecture Mode'

Twilight Sparkles eyes lit up and gleamed strangely, which evidently convinced Applejack to leave. "Alright, I'm out. I'll see ya later, Twi. Keep outta trouble, Human."

Twilight waved her off and I gave her a dirty look. "Go away, Blondie."

"Are ya callin' me Blondie because my mane looks like a blondie?"

"Wait, you mean the not-brownie?"

"Yeah."

"No, it's because your hair is blonde." I replied.

"... I don't got hair, Human. I don't think I know what that is."

I twirled one of my own overgrown locks. "I have hair on my head. I'm guessing you guys have fur on your heads instead of hair?"

Twilight nodded. "That's true, but we're also covered in fur. Aren't you?"

I chuckled at that. "Nah, not quite. Humans dropped our fur hundreds of thousands of years ago."

Twilight's jaw dropped. "Y-You mean that your people have been around since the beginning of time!?"

I couldn't understand how she'd jumped to that conclusion. I really couldn't. "... No, there were prehistoric animals long before mankind ruled the planet, and before that, there was primordial ooze. Keep in mind that Earth, my planet, is _billions_ of years old."

Applejack murmured. "Cheese on a cracker and bread for a bagel; I'll be darned."

Twilight gaped. "... Your world's mages found a way to accurately date your planet?"

"... Did you just say _'mages'?_ " I asked, my voice a little higher than it should have been.

The librarian stared some more, blanching. "You- You do have mages, right?"

"... Love, Magic ain't real. Not on Earth." I said extra slowly.

"... _Your planet operates without magic?_ " Twilight breathed.

"Your planet _has_ magic?" I replied just as breathlessly.

"... Yeah, no, I'm gonna go before the alien spews goo everywhere. Twilight, don't grill  
him too hard. Human, don't mess with Twilight." Applejack gave me a stern look.

I raised a brow at her. "Oh, I'm gonna mess with her. Lavender is definitely Twilight's colour."

Applejack and Twilight examined her maroon and mauve skirt, her periwinkle sweatervest, and her off-white blouse. "Uh, Sugarcube? Twilight ain't wearin' purple."

I just smiled when Twilight gripped the hem of her skirt, blushing furiously. "Oh, Twilight and I both know that she is."

The cowgirl gave me a funny look before it hit her. "Alright, pervert-"

"Oi! It was Rainbow Dash's fault! When she plowed into me, I knocked Twilight over and there was an event that I can't say I regret besides getting punched in the back of the head."

Applejack gave me a dirty look. "Keep your eyes above the collar and your thoughts to yourself, will ya?"

"What fun would that be?" I scoffed.

"It'll be more fun than me kickin' your can all over town for messin' with one a' the nicest ponies you'll ever meet." She replied, her tone dipping.

I shot her a glare of my own. "It's not like I'm doing it to make anyone feel bad, so get off my back. If I start outright insulting people or spreading embarrassing secrets, then yeah, you got some kinda point. Until then, you're just threatening an alien with no ill will of his own."

Her gaze softened. "Fair enough, I guess. I still want a ta tone it down for Twilight though. I don't think that's too much to ask."

I looked at Applejack as she started leaving, then at Twilight who was giving me a pensive look. "Oi, Twilight. I'll lay off for a little while, but if I slip up, just let me know and I'll try to rein it in."

The librarian gave me a small smile. "I'd appreciate that. It's embarrassing to have a stranger see… That sort of thing…" _At least it was good for me._

"Right. So do you wanna answer a few questions; go back and forth for a little while?" I asked.

"Well, I wouldn't mind answering your questions first, though I do have to ask how long you've been here." Twilight said as Applejack closed the front door.

"Today, basically. I got out of some jungle-forest with some help from this super big, _super gay_ river serpent named Steven Magnet. The guy's actually pretty cool, which reminds me that I have to go find someone named Rarity and give her this gold crown he sent me off with. I would find a buyer for it myself and keep the profit, but that's not how you treat someone who shows you kindness, yeah?"

Twilight gave me an odd look. "Did you really consider stealing someone's gift for your own gain?"

I gave her a look. "Oi, don't pretend like you wouldn't give it a little thought. I mean, the crown isn't the purest gold that's passed through my hands, but I'm pretty sure that gold is worth something wherever you go."

"... Max, I can honestly say that stealing someone's gift wouldn't cross my mind unless it was an ancient, unheard of tome, and even then I'd rather ask to have a turn with it than take it for myself."

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, so you're morally sound and I'm a little sketchy. I fully intend on holding up my end of the bargain, so don't' worry about that, okay?"

"... Why don't you go grab that crown and I'll have Rarity come over to pick it up?" Twilight said uneasily.

I folded my arms and gave her an amused smile. "Why don't you just tell me were to find her so I can give it to her without her having to make the trip? I know it's her present, but I'm the courier. That's like having to go to the post office to get your mail."

She still seemed a little anxious. "Promise you won't keep it?"

I gave her a look. "How old are you again?"

"You're not really supposed to ask a mare her age." Twilight frowned.

"I'm not?" I asked, feigning surprise.

"Most ponies can tell just by looking anyway."

"That's weird. Sure, you can get a rough estimate with humans, but it's not like we know the exact number."

"I guess it might be a magical thing then. You're twenty, right?" Twilight asked.

"... Yeah, that's weird." I said, nodding.

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm not that much older than you." She offered.

"You're older than me? I could've sworn that you were a year or two younger than me, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the colorful horse-people show their age differently." I grimaced.

Twilight gave me a low-power glare. I think she might have been trying to make me feel bad. "You really need to stop calling Ponies 'whorse-people'. If you say that to the wrong Pony, they'll probably be pretty upset with you."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes mummy, I'll clean up my language, mummy."

"You're being kind of rude." Twilight said, irritation in her voice.

"Twilight, the last person I had to answer to killed people for stepping onto the wrong street at the wrong time. I don't like being told what to do, so I tend to listen when my life is in danger and that's about it. I get too much bad advice from too many people who think they know the future."

"... Max, what even _was_ your world?" She asked softly. "You… You just talked about working for someone who _kills ponies!_ "

I gave Twilight a 'Bitch please' kinda look. "Twilight, it's not like I had much of a choice. When Savage Sagiano calls, you answer or you don't get a second chance to ignore him. I've never killed anyone myself, but I've been present for a few of his 'examples'," I threw up some air quotes, "and that was enough to keep me under his thumb." I shook my head, the memory of the red-hot castration and penetration still ripe in my mind, despite that particular crime against human decency happening five years ago.

"... O _kay._ " Twilight rubbed her temples. "... So what did you do that made you useful to a _terrible_ pony like that?"

"I'm good at getting stuff that I have no business getting. That's all I'm going to say on that."

"Okay, but you're _not_ a murderer?"

"No, I don't really have the heart to kill someone in cold-blood. Sure, if someone pushes me for months, then it's a different story, but I've never technically killed anyone."

Twilight paled. "T-Technically?"

"Well, I let someone die, but they were knocking on their own gravestone because of their own choices. The junkie just wanted to stay high, no matter what it was doing to their body." I held back a smile at the grotesque memory; the smell of rotten flesh, the looks of horror and desperation that were always on their faces, and the taste of vindication. "They killed themselves. I just didn't feel obligated to stop them."

"... You're… You're a _monster._ " Twilight murmured.

"Twilight, that person let me be raped for an entire year by dozens of people multiple times. There were days where I didn't eat or sleep because I was being… _Used._ There were days when that person would make me go and get them more of the poison that was killing them right after being raped for an entire night. If you hold pity for someone like that, _you're the monster._ "

She covered her mouth and stared at me, her eyes watering. "Dear Celestia… I… Max, you either beat a truth spell or you're one of the strongest ponies I've ever met."

I glared at her. "Get the fuckin' pity out of your eyes 'cause I sure as fuck don't need it now. That was eight years ago. I've made my peace with it."

"That's not true." She said softly.

"Are you seriously using magic right now? How does that work?"

"Max, I don't know anything about Humans, but… Normal ponies don't just go through something like that and come out okay. I think-"

" _I think_ you should keep what I just told you to yourself and your opinions on the matter in the same space." I interrupted.

"... If that's what you want, then I'll… I'll keep it to myself… Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

"I'm rather certain I'd rather be focusing on the future than be haunted by my past, yes." I said drily.

Twilight gave me a small smile that seemed to be tinged with something akin to pride, though I think it was admiration. "I guess moving forward is the best way to deal with it. I may not think that you're the nicest pony, but you _are_ tough."

I might have blushed a bit, but I don't know why. "Whatever, Purps. Can we just start the cultural exchange?"

"Purps?"

"Purples. Your coat is purple, your hair is purple, and your eyes are purple. Purps." I explained.

"That's actually kind of obvious now that I think about it." She murmured.

"Isn't it though? The best nicknames often are."

Twilight agreed with me on that one, but she still insisted that I go and retrieve Rarity's crown from where I'd left it, so I did just that and we got started on learning as much as we could about each other's planet. Since I already know all the shit about Earth, I'll go ahead and say that Twilight was a veritable lake of information. Everything from high magic to basic levitation spells, not-that-ancient history to modern day, and pretty much every little cultural celebration and the significance that the Ponies had. Twilight made sure to mind flood me as hard as possible, breaking down dams on either side of a town in a valley, drowning the populace (My brain cells) with information that could have been vital, or that could have been pointless. Either way, around sunset, Twilight asked me if I had a place to stay since I'd just come into town and I'd told her no, so she offered to let me she one of her guest rooms until I could find a steady job and start making my own map. The problem was and is that I'm not really good at much that doesn't involve stealing shit or hiding, so I was going to have my luck cut out for me in all the wrong ways.

When the Sun was about to fall below the horizon, Twilight's little brother, a Dragon named Spike, came home from running some errands for his big sister, but I was mostly shocked by the fact that there was a fucking _Dragon_ within roasting distance and he wasn't doing anything Dragon-y. The short little guy actually put on the most feminine apron I'd ever seen and started cooking dinner after we got acquainted. He didn't really have much to say to me, but it's not like he was rude about it. The kid probably just had a long day and wanted to eat and go to bed, so I helped him out with food prep, but there wasn't much for me to do.

When the three of us sat down for dinner, I surveyed my plate and ate the boiled spinach. That was it. That was the only thing on the plate that I could eat. The rest of it was flowers and raw hay, which were not things the Human stomach likes to digest. Twilight noticed that I stopped eating after getting the spinach off my plate and asked, "Is something wrong, Max?"

"Humans can't eat flowers or hay." I chuckled. "The spinach was good, though. Could've used some salt, but it was tasty."

Twilight eyes widened. "... You're a salt addict?"

I furrowed my brow and gave her a questioning look. "What? How do you get addicted to salt?"

"That might be a story for another time, but salt doesn't affect you?" She asked.

"It tastes good if you don't use too much, but that's about it. A high sodium diet will mess with your kidneys, but that's only if you go overboard every meal." I explained.

"That's so interesting! So what plants can you eat?"

"If the food is made of the same stuff as it is on Earth, then I can eat a lot of fruits, veggies, berries, and legumes, but I'm probably gonna need to find a place that sells meat. I don't imagine that you guys have dietary supplements since you're evidently herbivores anyway."

Twilight stared at me for a long moment. "... You eat _other creatures?_ "

"That's what omnivores tend to do." I said slowly. "What? You don't think I'm just going to up and try to bite you or something, do you?"

"Ah ha ha. Ah ha. Haaa…" Twilight made those noises. "W-Well…"

"... Wow, that's… That's kinda fucked up, Twilight. And _rather_ xenophobic." I added.

She coloured and rubbed her cheek. "W-Well… I… You have to _kill_ something to eat it, Max."

"Yes, that's generally true, but if a human eats raw meat, they'll probably die or get incredibly sick. I might be an omnivore, but I'm a _civilized_ omnivore.

That piqued her interest. "Wait, how do you hunt for food?"

I shook my head. "Humans didn't really have to hunt if they didn't want to when I left Earth. At least, not in most places."

"... I'm lost." Spike said. "I mean, I used to eat fish all the time, so what's the big idea?"

"That's different," Twilight said quickly.

"How?" Spike and I asked in unison.

"It-It just is, okay?" Twilight said, discomfort on her face.

I looked at Spike. "Why'd you stop eating fish, anyway? Aren't Dragon purely carnivores?"

"I dunno. I've never met another one and finding books about Dragons is hard because they tend to keep their secrets _really_ secret." Spike sighed.

I gave him a lopsided grin. "Oi, we'll find another Dragon to tell you about Dragon stuff sometime, yeah? It never hurts to know your roots."

"Spike was hatched in Canterlot. His roots are Equestrian." Twilight said, steel entering her voice for the first time since I'd met her.

I gave her a look, but acquiesced nonetheless. "Whatever you say, Purps." I winked at Spike and he turned his frown into a hopeful smile.

That was about it for dinner since we were finishing up anyway, and with that out of the way, Twilight welcomed me to read a stack of books she'd collected on Equestrian laws and traditions, all of which were so full of pusillanimous blurbs of weak-willed bullshit, I was confident that I could take most of the country over by being _kinda_ mean. My studies took me a fair bit into the night, but I've always been an owl of sorts. Right now, I'm just chronicling what I remember in the blank book Twilight gave me for the sake of keeping a record of my experiences, and I've gotta say that I'm kinda digging it. It's a fun little pastime that keeps my hands from aching or itching for action and catches my attention more so than the opportunity for a solo stroll. Eh. Anyway, I'll end this one here and try to get some sleep. Day one is done.

Now I just need to find a way to get back home.


	3. Chapter Three: How To Hit on Princesses

Chapter Three: How To Hit On Princesses

Sleep eluded me for most of the night, but I did manage to catch an hour's rest, so I wasn't completely fucked or anything. Spike was happy to let me cook breakfast since it's basically the only meal I know how to make, and when I got everything plated, Twilight finally clomped down the stairs, half-dressed to impress. I was a fan of the light blue knickers her half-buttoned blouse didn't cover, and I was also pleased by the amount of cleavage she was showing, though I doubted that she was more than a C-cup. I didn't exactly stare at her before she sat down, but I did give myself a few seconds to record the memory for later use.

Breakfast was nice and Twilight was barely even there for most of it, but when I got her a cup of my special version of a cuppa Joe, she perked up immediately before making a face. My Pitch Black Death was triple brewed and was potent enough to stir the dead into a conga line. Now, I wasn't really expecting Twilight to get past the first couple of sips, and she proved me right by pouring spoonful after spoonful of sugar into her coffee before sipping it again. I just gave her an amused look and sipped the bitter brew casually since my own coffee pot in the old church had seen its fair share of use.

Twilight tried it one last time and asked, "I'm sorry, Max, but are you trying to kill me?"

I chuckled at her as she levitated her mug over to me, her horn glowing as she passed it. The sight was odd to say the least, but when I took the mug from Twilight, I said, "Sorry about that, but I like my coffee like I like my women; strong, warm, and bitter enough to make the dead roll in their graves."

Twilight reclaimed her mug after I finished marrying our coffees so she cold water it down a bit. "If you're looking for bitter mares, I don't think you're in the right place." She giggled, heading over to the sink.

I had myself a little look-see at Twilight's surprisingly shapely seat, though I didn't let m gaze longer for more than a couple seconds, just like last time. I returned to my food only to hear Twilight gasp and cry, "Oh-my-gosh-not-again!" before there was a little popping noise.

When I looked at where Twilight had been, no one was there and Spike was sniggering his tail off. We finished up with breakfast and I helped Spike clean up before I decided to make use of the fact that I was in a library. I grabbed a few bestiaries and an herbiary or two so I could familiarize myself with some of the flora and fauna that were coming around. I skimmed through the bestiary had ended up settling on the Everfree and similar forbidden forest general compilation. Shit was crazy, mate. Everything from an Aye-Aye to a fucking Zdenek was included, though how a demon managed to get into a forest nearby one of the most colourful, cheeriest places, I'll never know.

When I was through with the bestiary and was moving onto the herbiary, two people came into the library and one of them was awfully familiar. Rainbow Dash struck up a bad fighting stance while her bright pink, meter and a third tall friend bounced up to me in the most literal of senses. I wondered why Rainbow was hanging out with someone who couldn't have been much more than fourteen, but the one with the multicolored mane came over and frowned at me. I rose and extended a and to her, my face flat.

"We got off on the wrong foot, or rather, the wrong hoof. How about we let the little shit go and try not to choke each other? Wipe the slate clean?" I gave her my olive branch.

She shook my hand and nodded. "It never hurts to just let stuff go, I guess... I'm gonna keep that knife though."

"Wasn't really expecting to get it back anyway, so more power to you." I answered, looking at the overly pink girl who was bouncing in place. I tried to shake her hand too, but when she looked me in the eye, she gasped and dashed off like a pink blur. "... Okay."

"Ah, don't worry about that, dude. It's just Pinkie being Pinkie." Rainbow assured me. "If you're lucky, she'll do something nice for you."

I scratched my head. "Here's hoping that I'm not lucky."

Rainbow Runt gave me a weird look. "Why wouldn't you want someone to do something nice for you? It's not like most ponies around here would ask for anything back."

"... Is… Are you guys just not skeptical or something? Like, I assume that Twilight did some kind of magic to make sure I wouldn't mess anything up, and I know Applejack doesn't trust me, so what's the deal?" I asked, confused.

"I don't know what you're talking about, dude. Ponies around here are just happy to help most days."

"... That's weird. You're weird. This town is _weird._ "

"Nopony's going to tell you any different." Rainbow deadpanned. "I gotta find a book though, so have fun soaking in the weirdness."

While I was being surprised that Rainbow could actually read, I heard Twilight coming down the stairs from the second floor and went back to reading as casually as I could considering I was on a different planet and the language was hard to make out. I ended up taking Twilight aside so she could help me make a cheat sheet of sorts for the Equestrian Alphabet. She was surprised to learn that I had a decent idea of what was going on in most forms of decent penmanship and a few particularly bad ones, but as we spent time converting Latin to Equestrian, there was a knock on the front door and Twilight had to leave me to my own devices. I heard her greet someone before tuning them both out to continue with my studies, but then Twilight came back with a white woman who had a violet mane. I thought the new pony was pretty damned beautiful in the classic sense, but she applied way too much makeup for me to be interested.

"Max, this is Rarity, one of my best friends and the mare you were supposed to be hunting down." Twilight said, giving me a little smile at the end.

I rose from my seat and offered her my hand. "It's a pleasure, Miss Rarity. I do have something for you from a mutual friend, so let me grab it real quick, yeah?"

Rarity smiled at me and said, "Take your time, Max. I'm in no hurry."

I gave her a nod and went upstairs to retrieve the crown Magnet had given her, returning to the scene to find Spike fawning over Rarity like the lovestruck preteen he was, apparently. "Stephen Magnet sends his regards." I said, handing the crown over to her.

Rarity beamed and accepted it gratefully. "Oh, Stephen is such a sweetheart! I'll have to find some way of paying him back for this lovely gift!"

My eye twitched a little when I heard more of Rarity's uppercrust, affluent accent. I'd heard plenty that were similar to it in all the wrong ways, and most of those voices had been talking down to me, trying to cheat me, or asking me to stab one of their nearest and dearest in the back. I seized some spiteful words with my teeth and smiled, nodding once before I made to go back to my reading.

"Oh, Max, before you return to your studies, I'd just like you to feel free to stop by my boutique at any time." She said cheerfully. "I'm sure we could find just the right look for you with a little time."

I gave her a tight smile that made her beam. "Of course, I'll have to stop by once I find a steady job-"

"Oh, posh! You've done me a favour so allow me to do you one in turn, darling! After all, you could have turned out to be a bad pony and kept the crown for yourself after all."

Twilight blushed and coughed, so I gave her a funny look. "Are you choking on nonexistent irony, Twilight?"

"I-I mean, i-its just that… You know…"

"I do believe I'm missing something." Rarity said.

I gave her a little smile. "You are. I told Twilight that I considered taking your crown for myself and she got all skittish about me doing just that. I'd still like to maintain that if I wanted to steal it, I wouldn't have said anything."

Rarity gave me an odd look. "Why would you consider taking someone else's gift? It wouldn't serve you, would it?"

I furrowed my brow. "... Does the concept of selling stolen goods not exist here?"

The moderately well-endowed aristocrat seemed perturbed by the idea. "Well, of course the _concept_ exists, but who in their right mind would actually practice it?" _Guess who's scratching out their entire past?_

"Fair enough I suppose. If it eases your mind at all, I would only steal from someone who stole from me, but then I'd be taking back what they took in the first place." I smirked fondly at the memory of my brother and I, stealing a piece of swag back and forth when we'd first met.

Twilight made an odd noise. "Uh, Max? Why are you smiling about stealing?"

"It just reminds me of my brother is all." I replied, shaking my head. "I think I need to get out and about for a little bit. Either of you beautiful Pony-People got a little time to show an alien around town?"

Rarity gave me an odd look. "You have a brother? Where is he?"

I let her have a remorseful smile. "Gone for a few years now. How about that walk?"

Her face fell and she placed a hand on my arm. "Oh, I'm sorry darling, I-"

"Oi, it's okay. Of course you'd be curious after I brought him up." I patted her shoulder.

"We can go for that walk here in a moment if you'd like." Twilight offered. "I just want to write one quick little letter and we'll be ready to go."

Spike stood around, staring creepily at Rarity with literal hearts in his eyes like it was an ahegao hentai or some shit, so I kinda hoped that he'd opt to stay behind. Little dude was cool and all, but I was beginning to think that he was the type to sniff the brown patch on a pair of dirty knickers. Twilight got her letter written out, but she just tied it into a scroll and had a 'Eureka!' moment explode across her face for a moment and her realization turned into excitement.

"Max! How did your people communicate across long distances?" Twilight asked excitedly.

I gave her a little smile. "We had a lot of ways of doing it, to be honest with you. I know you ponies have radio-like things, but my people had things called telephones that were similar to radios in the way that you could use it to hear someone from miles away. However, a phone would let you talk back and forth with multiple people from all over the world if you so chose, and there was a thing called the internet that basically held the majority of mankind's information. Everything from how to build a fire to how to calculate the trajectory of a rocket you can send to the surface of the Moon; everything."

Twilight blinked at me and held the scroll out to Spike. He blew a gout of fire at it and the shit _blew me fuckin' mind, m8_. "That's how we do our thing, I guess." She said blankly.

I scratched my face. "You roast your mail?"

"... How do you send it?"

"We have a little device we usually use that stores pictures, messages, games; a bunch of stuff. I'd have to show you and let you get a little familiar with one so you could actually know what it's for, but I'm not smart enough to make one, and I doubt Equestria is technologically advanced enough to make a decent one."

"Wow…" Twilight and Rarity chorused.

I was about to respond when a golden flash of light materialized another letter, and when Twilight gave it a quick skim, she smiled and said that Rarity was free to take me around town, but that she had to stay to wait for an important visitor. I didn't miss the jealousy in Spike's eyes when Rarity hooked her arm through mine and suggested that we get a move on. We started with some parts of the town that I was familiar with, but then Rarity took me to a couple of restaurants and a bakery or three, naming Sugarcube Corner as the best place to get a decent breakfast on the go. I asked if the made egg and cheese scones, to which Rarity replied that they did, so I resolved to go get one tomorrow morning when I started the job hunt in earnest.

"So, Max, what's your Cutie Mark?" Rarity asked casually as we strolled around town.

While she was holding onto me, I was trying to be distracted. She was squishy in all the right ways. "Cutie Mark? I don't believe I know what that is."

"Oh? Are you saying that you don't have a special talent?" Rarity asked, surprised.

"I suppose you could call my special talent climbing. I've always been oddly good at it." I said truthfully.

"... What purpose does climbing things serve? I mean, not to disparage your talents, but how do you know that you're _good_ at it?" She inquired, befuddled.

I gave her a sidelong glance. "Do Ponies not climb trees or something? I mean, I basically do parkour, but do you guys not have a reason to climb anything?"

"Ponies don't do trees, darling." Rarity huffed. "Trees are the bane of kites and frisbees everywhere since it's hard for a Pony to get out of a tree safely."

I tugged her a bit closer to me and she tittered for some odd reason. I wasn't trying to charm her; I think she's just kind of slutty. "Well trees and buildings happen to be my thing. If Twilight asks where I am, tell her that I climbed the Treebrary.

Rarity giggled. "What would you be hiding from up there, hm?"

"You, mostly." I teased. "Do you know how warm you are?"

She patted my arm. "I don't believe I hear you complaining."

"I believe your boyfriend might sooner or later."

Rarity scoffed. " _Please_. There aren't exactly that many available stallions in Ponyville. I believe you'll find that you have plenty of options here, should you choose to stay."

I took a moment to consider that, and on a couple of levels, I was a little disturbed. I mean, what red-blooded nerd hasn't at least _thought_ about nailing a hot humanoid alien? I mean, the Ponies looked damn near Human save for the wings and horns that seemed to be rare among them, and other than the fur, ears, and hooves, they were almost Human. The thought of sleeping with one seemed odd to say the least, but I wasn't necessarily against it, per se. Now, I couldn't really see myself sleeping with Rarity since she wasn't really my type, but Applejack could get it if she wanted it. I knew Twilight probably wouldn't be up for anything, but I wasn't really attracted to her like that at the moment. She was interesting in her own special way, but I couldn't really put my finger on it. Rainbow was out of the running all together since she had a runner's body, and I tend to like my ladies with a little something to hold onto. Speaking of women with something to hold onto, I wonder how Milky's doing… Why am I drooling?

Anyway, Rarity showed me a few landmarks like the park, a few stores that sold general goods, a place to get personal hygiene products (She recommended more than a few brands for my hair after feeling it and grimacing), and when I asked, a place to get liquor. Rarity thought I wanted wine, which I wouldn't hesitate to drink, it was just that I preferred bourbon because reasons. I don't know why, I just always have. I offered to share a bottle of something white and dry with her one day if she was up to it and I think she was just happy to have a drinking buddy who actually had a tongue for alcohol.

When we got back to Twilight's, Rarity told me to tell the purple one that she was sorry for leaving without a proper goodbye, but I didn't dig too deeply into it since it wasn't my business. I didn't knock when I entered, but I did call out, "Oi! Where's the nearest living thing?"

I heard some giggling from the kitchen before Twilight said, "We're in here, Max, and I have someone very special for you to meet!"

I was tempted to fuck off and not go into the kitchen, but then Twilight met me in the doorway and practically dragged me in anyways, so that plan was bollixed. She lead me into the kitchen by the wrist and stopped me in front of a tall, absolutely breathtaking woman that made my heart pound in my chest and my breathing hitch slightly on sight. Like Rarity, she was a stark white, but her coat seemed to be tinged with a warmth that Rarity's lacked, and her endowments were far more substantial than the other woman's. I could see just from the woman's hips that she had more arse than a donkey farm, and her long, flowing pastel rainbow of a mane seemed to billow in a nonexistent breeze. When I looked at her face, I couldn't help but be lovestruck. Her almond shaped, muted mauve eyes met my forest green ones and I didn't doubt for a second that she knew that I was a low-down pick'n'pluck, but I also didn't doubt that she wouldn't judge me for being less than what I could be. I wanted her acceptance from the beginning, so I gave her a wide smile.

"Wow, if I were any more starstruck, you'd have to find me a place to lie down. My name's Max; what's yours, love?" I asked pleasantly.

Twilight elbowed me in the ribs and that shit hurt. " _Max_ , this is my _teacher, Princess_ Celestia."

I gave Twilight a look. "It's rude to answer someone's questions when you weren't asked, you know."

Twilight glared at me for a second and shot Celestia a nervous smile. "I'm sure Max just doesn't have royalty where he's from."

Celestia smiled amusedly, but I answered before she could. "Yeah, we have royalty. What of it?"

Twilight stared at me. "Do you treat your Princesses like this?"

"... Uh, I think there's like, two of them, and I've never met either. It's not like they stopped by to see how I was doing." I answered drily.

"But you know how to treat royalty, do you not!?" Twilight whispered fiercely.

"They get enough special treatment from people who aren't me. Fuck all that bullshit." I replied aloofly.

Twilight facepalmed pretty hard and Celestia let out a melodious chuckle. "It's refreshing to see someone who cares so little about status and power after all my years. I can't remember the last time a pony who wasn't a King or an uppity noble dared swear around me."

"If it bothers you, I'll try not to do it so much, but it's like, half of the language I speak." I shrugged. "It is what it is, sugart-" I cut myself off before Twilight could actually kill me.

As it was, Twilight still rammed her elbow into my ribs. "You don't give the Princess a petname!"

"What if she wants one? You know what, Twilight? Why don't you let the sovereign ruler of your proud nation decide what she does and doesn't like?" I asked irritably, rubbing my side and wincing.

Twilight colored and sputtered. "I-I wasn't trying to-"

"Why don't we sit down for tea and we can let the funny alien stop getting under your fur?" Celestia chuckled and gave me a wink.

I gave her one in turn. "I don't know, I think I'd rather just get under Twilight's skirt. Being under her fur would be terribly hot."

The little librarian hit me and said, "Shush you pervert!"

I held my arm, grimacing. "Fuckin' _ow._ "

Twilight folded her arms and huffed.. "You shouldn't have said-"

I kicked the back of her knee and she dropped. "Oh sorry, you should've kept your hands to yourself." I grumbled, checking out the nasty bruise that was already forming on my arm."

"Oh my! How did Twilight manage that?" Celestia gasped, teleporting over to check my arm.

Twilight was already back on her hooves, looking at the bruise herself. "Oh… I forgot that you were frail compared to a Pony…"

Celestia laid a hand on me and healed the bruise with a spell, but my arm still kinda hurt. "There. You shouldn't have any more problems."

"Thanks, Celestia-" I started.

Twilight gasped. " _Max!_ Would it kill you to show _a little_ respect!?"

I looked at Celestia and blurted, "I love your eyes, but there are two bigger things about you that I love. I'm torn."

The Princess blushed lightly and gave me a little smile. "Few stallions would presume to flirt with one of the co-rulers of Equestria."

"Few 'stallions' have the stones to do it." I scoffed. "Just think; if I'm brave enough to risk being arrested for treason, what other interesting things might I do?"

Celestia's eyes flickered to Twilight for the briefest of moments. "I'm not sure if I should ask you to elaborate on that, so I'll just leave it where it lies. Tell me, what's the ruler of your country like, Max?"

"She's an old bat who's seen more bullshit in Parliament than your average farmer." I replied drily. "Seriously; she's gotta be a hundred years old by now, but that's the Queen, not the Prime Minister."

"And you consider that old?" Celestia asked amusedly, a truth in her eyes that I wanted to hear.

"What would you consider old?" I inquired in turn.

Celestia just smiled and folded her arms, making my attention dip for a second. "Why, It would have to be at _least_ three thousand years before I considered someone old."

I chuckled. "Cute. Next thing you're going to tell me is that you're pushing four 'K' and that Rainbow Dash is older than me."

The Princess just smiled.

"Um, Max? Rainbow's the oldest out of my friends, and Celestia's ruled Equestria for nearly four thousand years." Twilight informed.

I grinned at Celestia. "What made Twilight special enough for you to teach her with your thousands of years of wisdom?" I asked, not buying it for a second.

The white Pony gave me an odd look. "That's a strange question given the prior subject matter, but I suppose it would have had to have been Twilight's aptitude for magic."

"If I tell you that I have an aptitude for oral, will you teach me?" I asked bravely.

The direct request went clear over Twilight's head, but Celestia heard it for what it was and coloured, clearing her throat. "I don't believe I know what you're talking about, but I could be persuaded to tutor you in a subject or two if you were interested."

Twilight gave me a dirty look and I gave her a smile. "Don't be jealous, Twilight. Green isn't your color."

"You can read auras?" Twilight asked skeptically.

I blinked. "... I shouldn't be surprised that it's a thing here, but no. I _can_ read body language though."

"Body language?" Twilight asked.

"Yeah. Things like microexpressions, nervous tics, open gestures, tonal shifts; you name it, I can get a vibe off of it. It's how I know that Celestia's less likely to slap me for giving her an honest compliment than you are." I replied.

"Why would I hit you for a compliment?"

"Your tail looks so soft and caressable. Is it odd if I ask to touch it?" I asked, fully expecting her to say yes.

Twilight tilted her head at me. "I wouldn't mind as long as you didn't pull it."

I grabbed her arse and threw myself backwards when she tried to slap me. "That wasn't my tail!"

"That's what it's called on a Human!" I argued, biting back a smile.

"You're so full of it!" Twilight huffed.

Celestia was trying not to giggle. "I'm sure it was just a societal difference, Twilight."

"Yeah! I explicitly asked for your permission and you said don't pull your tail! I didn't pull, did I?" I challenged.

Twilight pointed a judicious finger at me. "Keep your hands to yourself, Mister!"

I raised my hands in defeat. "I'm sorry for being a weird alien, Twilight. I'll try to pick up on Equestrian no-nos faster."

She crossed her arms and glared at me, still blushing lightly. "You'd better."

"Now Twilight, I'm sure that Max is just adjusting to a new environment as best he can. It's not like he's _trying_ to upset you, right Max?" Celestia asked, giving me an out.

I nodded. "I'd only purposefully try to upset you if you gave me a good reason to."

Twilight huffed, but she seemed to cool down when Celestia suggested we go have the tea that had probably gotten cold over the course of our little introduction. Twilight sat between Celestia and I while the conversation was going, and every time my eyes wandered away from Celestia's face for more than a second, Twilight made sure I felt her wrath under the table until I kicked her back. May I reiterate that I wear _steel_ toes? She quit her shit when I got her back and her face told me that I'd gotten her a little too good, so I asked Celestia if I could have a word alone with her. The Princess didn't _seem_ to pick up on why, but that might have just been wishful thinking.

When she was out of the room, Twilight let out a little whimper. "Ow…"

"I'd apologize, but you kicked me just as hard." I reminded.

"Yes, but I'm more sensitive than you!" Twilight whispered pitifully.

I gave her a deadpan look before rolling up the leg of my trousers to show her the damage she'd done. "You've been doing a number on me, love. Shit hurts."

"... I'm sorry." Twilight murmured before rubbing her own leg.

"Apology not accepted. I want a hug after Celestia leaves." I demanded playfully.

She gave me a worried look. "You're gonna grope me!"

"I'm not going to grope you, I promise." I gave her a warm smile.

Her cheeks pinked slightly. "... Pinkie Promise?"

I offered her my pinkie and she hooked it. "Pinkie Promise, Purps. Now stop hitting me so I don't have to hit you back."

"Stop being a pervert so I don't have to hit you!" She protested.

I booped her and she scrunched her face up. "I'll try to hold back, but you yourself don't make it very easy. I tried not to look this morning, but…" I scratched my face and looked off into the distance.

Twilight cleared her throat. "Er… I-I usually don't have company over for breakfast."

I looked back at her to see her blushing and looking at her lap. "If it makes you feel any better, the half-dressed and half-awake look makes you seem even cuter than usual." Her face went back to that bright cherry red and I couldn't help myself, so I gave her a peck on the cheek. "I'm going to grab Celestia unless there's something you want to talk about?"

"N-No, I'm okay…" Twilight rubbed her cheeks and tried to quell the minute smile she was wearing.

I couldn't help but feel like I'd gotten into her head a little with my words, but I'd made my attraction to Celestia far more obvious. Rarity telling me that there wasn't much game in town for the ladies struck me as a little odd, but I didn't know what all that was supposed to mean. So far, I'd had Rarity cling to me like glue, Celestia had been responsive, if not a little hesitant with her reactions, and Twilight was extremely tender and bashful, but it seemed as though the spark was there. The odds were stacking up higher and higher that I was going to get a piece of Pony before a month passed, but I wasn't sure if I was necessarily down for it.

After retrieving Celestia, we finished up a conversation about getting me Equestrian citizenship, and Celestia broke some very hard news to me. Her sister, Luna, had spent a thousand years searching the stars for other planets with life, but had found none, and that her mages just weren't advanced enough for reliable extra-dimensional travel, let alone extra-planetary exploration on a larger scale that Luna had already done. It was rough news to hear since there was basically no way I was getting back to my home world, but I bit the bullet and smiled through it, even though I just wanted to lie down for awhile. I know Celestia saw through the sham and offered me an out by asking if I'd like a drink. I agreed without a second thought and that was my first mistake. My second mistake was telling Celestia that I was fond of just about anything, so she brought out a liqueur that was far too sweet to be enjoyable, though Twilight loved it. I didn't realize how _strong_ it was due to how sweet it was, and two glasses later I was feeling some type of good.

I sent myself off to bed before I could make a fool of myself and had a few glasses of water once I figured out how to properly fill a cup again. Apparently alcohol is more potent here on Equus, but I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It definitely means that I'll have to keep my wits about me, but it's not like I was the only one who was a little drunk by their second glass. Twilight was smiley and awfully talkative while Celestia just amused by us. I tried not to hit on both of them for the short time it took me to realize that I was already buzzing, but I mostly got giggles from Celestia and nervous little smiles from Twilight before we called it a night.

It's been rather difficult to get this written out since, you know, _drinking,_ but it's not all bad. I'm sobering up a bit, but I swear I keep hearing someone outside of my borrowed room every now and again. It hasn't really been enough to comment on, but I think I'm just being paranoid anyway.

Fuck it. It's nap time.


End file.
